Both finals done!

Finished final paper number one! one more!

Full time work
Full time student
and lawsuit....

I'm ready for a vacation...

Or just some peace...

Once I was the angel
A shining light in his life
I was given a glimmer of hope
That I could be loved

What happpened between now and then
I do not know
We weathered the storms together
Clung to eachother were safe and warm

And then there was a shifting
Was it something I said?
Something I did?

I began to see the wall go up
A cutting me out
I panicked some then I admit
I'd been here before

My attemts to make it better again
only made it worse
See the tools needed to fix this
Have always been out of reach to me.

And now he is gone
I see him but he isn't here
I take joy that he has found something
A hope, A dream

As the only thing I want for him
is to see him smile
To see him find a light again
Even if that light is not me.

I will ache for him
But I am used to this ache
To hold him close would be disaster
When he needs to be free

So much more than he knows
He will have his dreams
And again I will watch from afar
The love I gave

And I will be here
Alone
As I let go again
The evasive dream of mine

I can't decsribe how it feels to me the way you touched me tonight,
I lost all control gave up the fight,
my body is still throbbing in every secret place, the memory still fresh of your lovely, lucious face.

Would you come to me this much so deep without aid? Can you forgive me for the burden of loving me.
How could I turn away? walk away from you?...you have this ability though you may not know it is there, to take my hurt and fear away and to help me protect myself from the harsher monsters that are life.

I want you nearer my love. Closer into me, that place where noone has ever gone for me...
My heart is a tender thing I know, And my feelings at times too quick to show.

But beleive me my beloved we can turn things around we dont need help to make these feelings go round...

So take me to your heart hold me close
I love you and I just thought you should know that when you touch me and caress me cherish me my heart feels like it will explode. Let me say this is not a responsibility must a choice we can make that it is us against the world.

Trying our hardest should be good enough

And if that falls short my own

I will be there to support and care for you.

Goodnight sweet love...

G~

Ok so I took a HUGE break in my anime fandom (read 10 years!!) but have found a couple of recent animes/manga's I love like I loved Bubblegum crisis and Ranma 1/2 back in the day hehe... Most recently Chobits it grabbing me:D I LOVE the whole.. PC-Laptop-and PDA references in the manga!! And who wouldn't love where Sumomo is in "Screensaver mode!" ...

kk

Gen

So here I am at work buying time until I am free. What does one say in these things?...

I have been thinking about my family alot...sometimes I do that... Just think abot people, and why they are who they are and do the things they do.

Things are changing around me but in a standstill sort of way, I don't know where I will wind up but I suppose it is time to start concentraiting on these things in my life.

I was walking down the hall at work today, (in a casino a very populated walk) and it occured to me that no one in my life has ever walked past me (that I have seen) without looking at me... Not that I am any great looker but I do wonder why... It makes me feel self concious at times, makes me wonder if i have snot on my nose or something...

One of the things that I so love about my city is people, You will find just about every kind of people from every walk of life here.. This is a thing of beauty to me. I am a people person, I enjoy nothing as much as visiting with people and learning about people...

There more times than I can count that I have met people who so interested me on the way they have lived that it made me wish I could somehow record or write their life stories to share. What an amazing read my father would be for example a classic tale of adventure and loss... a funny read would be my sister, my brother..an in depth read, my mother a story of strength and wit.

My roommate R. would be a technical read his lady an art book (one thats interesting too, not those college grind ones) :), B would be a cook book hehe .. My boyfriend would be an adventure novel , I'm not sure what I would be... probably something sentimental.

Just some random thoughts from the Easter Bunny hehe:)

Things are happening around me

The world it does go on
This happiness which surrounds me
Fades before long

I see them walk by laughing
All have somewhere to go
The joy that does surround them
It seems they have something to show

I give and yet I wonder
What will it matter when I die
Will I look back with a longing
For the things I didn't try

I know not who I am sometimes
I am for others so it seems
Am I failing my own self
By losing all my dreams?

Happy 4th ppl's!

Lost in the whisper that is my soul
I wrap my heart around him and breathe him in...
I feel the tide begin to turn and this passionate love start to burn
feeling his caress, his urgency against my skin...

I feel my body start to roll,
In this ocean of our perfect rhythm, his breath becomes the wind
his hands the steady movement of the sea...
I am drowning now please don't rescue me.

Just as I think I can take no more,
That the fierceness of this ocean will take me...
It becomes an amazing ebb and flow
of a kind of love that saves me.

My heart aches again..
Maybe I expect too much..

Is it all my doing..
my undoing me?

Am I my own worst enemy?

The cool breeze has hints of winter...
The dancing palms strung with lights...
The only indication that the holidays are here...

We breath in the clean desert air..
And go about our business as if it is just another day..
Until we come home...
To the tree, the presents.. family.

Then again it surprises us...
It is Christmas....

There is this thing inside of me...
this lonlieness.

I feel disconnected from those around me...
lost in myself.

There was a time when I felt I belonged on a stage....
making others smile, and feel.

Before life reared up and snarled at me....
now that doesn't feel real.

I moved on to caring for everyone else...
and lost myself.

Now you wouldn't think self is so hard to find...
but believe me when I say that this puzzle is mine.

Where do I belong now..
where is my place?
What will make me feel fulfilled
what will that take?

I get tired so tired..
Of trying to find..
who I am, what I'm here for,
What remains mine.

I feel it in the shadows...
your pain....
I brush against it suddenly..
and in me...it remains....

You move on don't even see me
and I struggle to understand...
Is this my darkness?
or is it yours?

The shadow wraps around me...
filling me with dread...
I try to escape it..
but it wraps tighter instead...

I am swimming in this pit of their emotions..
And they don't even know who I am...
Don't know how I feel their hurts...
They don't even remember the pain..

Some hate me for this..
Those who are close...
and closed...

And so I sit..
in this raw place...
I am overwhelmed by their sadness...

So don't feel alone...
for you never know who is feeling your pain...

Some days I see him sinking....
Drowning inside himself...

I try...how I try..
to throw him a line...
to let my love shine..
through my eyes...

Someday I hope...
to show him the joy my father left in my soul...
to share with him....
the beautifull things in life...
in love....

Someday I wish....
To show him how much he truly means to me...

And have him believe....

melancholy is a disease
it invades and my life
and holds my dreams
Will it ever ease
this perpetual saddening
is it from my experiences
or just my neurons?

Green Fields of Magick and Clover,
The midnight sun passes over,
The Greenman comes,
The Goddess loves,
The bright warm sun shines above.

Green Fields of Magick and Clover,
The children blush in all their glory,
The Elders gather to teach their stories,
The Lords and Ladies fall in love,
So then full circle life does run.

Green Fields of Magick and Clover,
On the Dancing Hill they all do gather,
To share the gifts of love and labor.

For Children, Elders, young and old,
and Lords and Ladies if truth be told,
Remeber the lessons of the Law Threefold!

On greenfields of Magick and Clover,
We share belief and power sound,
For sharing's where the Magicks found.

Well I finally got to sleep around 6:15 am:/ It's now 10:50 am and I was woken by my *Mom cause she wasnt me to come help her today with the bookstore, My *Dad and *MyHeart. Ug I ought to drrrrrrag through today haha... I had hoped to get more packing done today but I guess that will have to wait until a bit later:/ *Mom says *Dad allready Overflowed the coffee pot this morning so he ought to be a blast today:/ She said he make a mess all over the kitchen hahaha well... It probably shouldn't be funny but if I didn't laugh I would cry ;) And I find some of his antics comical anymore, maybe it's a way for me to deal...I don't know really.

*Dad acts about the same as a person with stage 4 Althzheimers would, the only difference bieng that he doesnt forget who we or he is....instead his mind cannot go from point A to point B it skips around from A to F to E to Z and back around to R etc.... So he doesnt forget who he is at all but most of the time he doesnt think about it. He is much like a 2 year old in his terrible twos on his bad days (which are much more frequent now). One of hardest things about dealing with my *Dad's *TBI has been that I have never spoken to anyone else who knows what it is like to care for someone with this kind of injury.

There are no precedents for my *Dads specific *TBI, where treatment is concerned his case has paved the way so to speak.... My *Mom and I have been jointly caring for him since I was 15 with only eachother as support, not an ideal situation as we are opposites. I tried early on to get her to join the TBI Association to hook up with support services or even just others who could relate but she refused to relinquish ANY control enough to even get help with him. Well... She IS a Tried and True LEO lol... Even now, her doctors and his have told her that her blood pressure is getting too high, she needs to put him in Adult day care at least part of the time and still she refuses. And with my *Mom there is NO making her do ANYTHING she doesn't want to do. sigh... well I think i will try to catch an hour nap before heading over to chaos;) lol

Try putting a virtual 2 year old adult in the room with a VERY smart real 3 year old girl UG! chaos!!!!! thats *Dad+*MyHeart=Chaos in case you were confused hahaha

Ok now for a change of pace...:) Sort of:/ I have a bit of a rant... please excuse if you are male and queezy about "woman shit" But let me start out with the fact that except for about the first year when I was around 15 I have only had about one ummm Monthly thing a year...and I never did get PMS, So imagine my surprise when ummm after my trip to Cali I started having them regular ok so THAT out of the embarrassing way!! ahem... I am now experiencing PMS for the first time at the age of 27:/ And frankly They (whoever they is) can take it BACK!!! sigh!!! What IS this insanity!!!!!! I feel like i am posessed!!!! what the hell!!!??? How the hell do women keep from killing someone??? any suggestions??? I took some crap called Midol, seemed to help some but at this rate I will have to lock myself up in chains like a wearwolf when the moon is full each month!!!! just to spare the people around me!! Jesus!! all this just for the ?"blessing"? of bieng able to push a bowling ball out of a golf hole??? Fukin A MAN!!! ok Im also a bit crude with PMS I noticed Sorry if I offend:/ sigh ok enough ranting...